Declassified Reports

URGENT REPORT:

Dear Jihaddi, Concerned parents, and Citizens of the planet Earth:

      Rumors of this have been spread for some time now, but as we are not in the business of rumors, we have waited until confirmation of the fact presented itself... MICROSOFT HAS MADE PLANS TO MARKET A COMPUTERIZED BARNEY DOLL FOR CHILDREN. This is not a joke, as we had once hoped it was. Please read Microsoft's official press release regarding this serious matter.

      We can only speculate what the effects of this will turn out to be, but they cannot be good. The show has lost it's novelty with some of the market however, and sales of toys are down currently. This may curb the damage somewhat, but we all know how the now infamous "Tickle Me Elmo" doll beat the marketing odds. (Which we cannot complain about, since Sessame Street is nothing to be feared, but rather to be enthusiastically accpted.) We will keep an eye on the situation and bring you any further news as it comes along.

      We hope it doesn't insult your intelligence that we have even bothered to suggest that you may not have thought of this already, but the parallel between this current situation and world events, and Orwell's 1984 are astounding. Perhaps just as unfortunately prophetic has been Chris Bull's Day of the Barney Trilogy, which is following actual events somewhat closely. I will merely mention the fact that Barney appeared at one of the innaugural balls in D.C. this year, because you can figure out the rest. If we do not rise to the occasion and step up our efforts as the enemy has done with theirs, we will lose the foothold we have just recently gained. We, meaning the undecieved populous of the world; those who see the evil for what it is and wish to banish it to the pits of hell and the uncharted regions of money-grubbing, overpaid executives' minds from whence this plague has come.

Legion Intelligence and I will keep you up to date on this ominous situation as updates come in.

Sincerely,

Commander IronMan,
Director of Intelligence & Special Operations.

Previous Report:

While we had planned on waiting until a later date to compile our news for you, this couldn't wait. As of November, it has been confirmed that the Purple Pedophile will have its own movie, due out in theatres soon. Information of an upcoming movie has been available for well over a year now, but had been discounted even by companies closely related to its production months after the original announcement. The movie has stayed close to our original reports, and we feel that the situation isn't cause for panic at all. America is somewhat divided on the Beast so far, and this could also be an opportunity to get the truth out. More on this as it becomes relevant.

Update: The release date has been pushed back, according to semi-reliable sources.

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